This past month has been very hectic, but not in the way we Americans have grown accustomed. Saying, "I'm busy" is like saying, "I'm normal" or "I'm not a bum." It works as an excuse as well, as I've heard everything from a failed date to an uninterested client give "I'm busy" as the reason for their not returning my calls. But this has been different. This has been along the lines of "is what I'm doing really going to pay off?"
Working hard to build a startup is one thing. Working hard to make your own butter is just plain dumb (unless it's 1840). I'm not sure I can tell the difference between hard work that pays off and hard work that's unnecessary. Sometimes I look back at a 14-hour day or after telling my kids that I need to get back to work and question the value of what I'm doing. If in 10 years I'm sailing in Greece while my company bills 10MM in revenue, then I'm doing the right thing. If I'm greasing someone else's sailboat to pay my company's bills, then it's a different story.
I love what I do, but loving something doesn't always equal success (however you define it). You still need to eat and hopefully afford the good bourbon. Kids need clothes and iPods and all that. Maybe it's easier to package the whole owning your own company idea and put it in the attic. It's definitely easier to work for someone else. Let them have the headaches and you just show up and perform. The thing is that I'm not sure I'd ever be happy doing that again. And hence the hectic struggle between whether I'm doing exactly what I've been crafted to do and whether I'm just a crackhead that hasn't come down yet.
I had someone approach me with a business deal that has made this choice a reality for me. Stop what I'm building and help him build something. It's tempting. Wake up and focus on doing one thing. Just that one thing. Collect your check and buy the expensive bourbon. Or a new car. A new house.
But it's his thing. Not mine.
My friend asked me this morning why I started my business. After telling her my thoughts, she pressed further. Couldn't you do that for someone else? All those reasons, couldn't you help someone else do that?
Well, yes.
Well, why don't you then?
The only thing I could think of was the difference between renting a house and owning one. Everything may be exactly the same. Same house, same costs, same yard. But with renting, in 10 years you walk away with just the memories. With owning, you walk away having built equity in something. You own it. It's not theirs. It's yours.
And for some reason I find that important to me.
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